Feeling fat even when you aren’t

One of the reasons that I started this blog is that not that long ago in my life I was extremely overweight.  I had and sometimes still have a hard time really seeing myself as not having a weight issue.  I wanted to use this blog to talk about it and share my experience of what it has been like to change and what it has been like to try and maintain this change.  What I mean is this, I remember from the time I was in kindergarten thinking I was fat.  To this day I often have days where I “feel” fat.  I look down while sitting and see my “big” thighs and my “fat” belly.  I put this in parentheses because comparatively I am no where near the place I used to be with my weight.  Here is what I used to look like, mind you my heaviest was 250lbs and this was more like 225lbs.  This is when I had started working on and had lost some weight just before I moved out west.

So now here I am much smaller, much more fit, able to jog a 5k without stopping/dying, I eat a lot more vegetables, I love exercising!  So why do I struggle with seeing myself as smaller?  I think because for so many years I had this split view of myself and I have a hard time trusting what I see now.  I am not sure how to explain it, but I saw myself as fat, but never THAT fat.  It’s insane how we can live in denial about things during our lives.  I truly let myself just eat and do whatever I wanted; I thought very little about my health in fact I thought very little about my own self worth.  I was depressed for many years and I was so busy with other parts of my life, trying to take care of others, that I neglected myself.  I am getting off on a tangent here a bit, but I am trying to give you a good view of where I was. 

Now I am in a different place, literally, in my life and I am hovering around 150lbs, yet I am not really satisfied.  I still struggle with how I see myself and with feeling fat.  In fact I know that I have been gaining some weight lately and it’s because I am eating bigger portions than I need to.  I am going through a bit of a rebellion and not wanting to measure my food or count calories.  I think for me though, for awhile I need to before I get out of control again.  It’s a struggle that I will probably deal with for the rest of my life trying to recognize where I was and the reality of where I am now.  I was in a place where I ate a bag of Doritos with no problem.  I remember eating a whole medium pizza by myself in one sitting.  As a child I ate spoonfuls of brown sugar sometimes with other people seeing me, but often no one knew I did it.  Food became my comfort, my friend, and ultimately my addiction.  Now the measuring and writing down what I am doing is a tool that I need to fall back on for a bit to help hold myself accountable.  Something that can help while I shore up my other skills and supports.

You see it’s not just about now I eat healthy foods, you can abuse that too.  Now it needs to be about something different, about more than having an unhealthy relationship with ANY type of food.  If I eat a bag of carrots in a search to fill an emotional need it’s really no better than eating ice cream or a candy bar.  Neither one will help me feel better in the long run, one will just take longer to pile on the pounds.  As a friend of mine says “food is fuel”, it’s not a loved one who comforts you when things are stressful.  My name is Jenn, I am not perfect, I am not where I want to be physically, and feel fat some days even though I am not. 


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