Feeling fat even when you aren’t

One of the reasons that I started this blog is that not that long ago in my life I was extremely overweight.  I had and sometimes still have a hard time really seeing myself as not having a weight issue.  I wanted to use this blog to talk about it and share my experience of what it has been like to change and what it has been like to try and maintain this change.  What I mean is this, I remember from the time I was in kindergarten thinking I was fat.  To this day I often have days where I “feel” fat.  I look down while sitting and see my “big” thighs and my “fat” belly.  I put this in parentheses because comparatively I am no where near the place I used to be with my weight.  Here is what I used to look like, mind you my heaviest was 250lbs and this was more like 225lbs.  This is when I had started working on and had lost some weight just before I moved out west.

So now here I am much smaller, much more fit, able to jog a 5k without stopping/dying, I eat a lot more vegetables, I love exercising!  So why do I struggle with seeing myself as smaller?  I think because for so many years I had this split view of myself and I have a hard time trusting what I see now.  I am not sure how to explain it, but I saw myself as fat, but never THAT fat.  It’s insane how we can live in denial about things during our lives.  I truly let myself just eat and do whatever I wanted; I thought very little about my health in fact I thought very little about my own self worth.  I was depressed for many years and I was so busy with other parts of my life, trying to take care of others, that I neglected myself.  I am getting off on a tangent here a bit, but I am trying to give you a good view of where I was. 

Now I am in a different place, literally, in my life and I am hovering around 150lbs, yet I am not really satisfied.  I still struggle with how I see myself and with feeling fat.  In fact I know that I have been gaining some weight lately and it’s because I am eating bigger portions than I need to.  I am going through a bit of a rebellion and not wanting to measure my food or count calories.  I think for me though, for awhile I need to before I get out of control again.  It’s a struggle that I will probably deal with for the rest of my life trying to recognize where I was and the reality of where I am now.  I was in a place where I ate a bag of Doritos with no problem.  I remember eating a whole medium pizza by myself in one sitting.  As a child I ate spoonfuls of brown sugar sometimes with other people seeing me, but often no one knew I did it.  Food became my comfort, my friend, and ultimately my addiction.  Now the measuring and writing down what I am doing is a tool that I need to fall back on for a bit to help hold myself accountable.  Something that can help while I shore up my other skills and supports.

You see it’s not just about now I eat healthy foods, you can abuse that too.  Now it needs to be about something different, about more than having an unhealthy relationship with ANY type of food.  If I eat a bag of carrots in a search to fill an emotional need it’s really no better than eating ice cream or a candy bar.  Neither one will help me feel better in the long run, one will just take longer to pile on the pounds.  As a friend of mine says “food is fuel”, it’s not a loved one who comforts you when things are stressful.  My name is Jenn, I am not perfect, I am not where I want to be physically, and feel fat some days even though I am not. 


Well, I was hoping to post about my Foddie penpal stuff, but it hasn’t come yet.  Hopefully it will and it didn’t get lost or something.  Soon as it does I will post some pictures and what it is.  Until then, it’s kind of late here so I will be going to bed soon I hope.  Have a great night all.

Weekend prep getting back in the habit.

Okay if I ever figure this out I will post my pics of some of my weekend prep that I do.  I was doing it pretty regularly for awhile and had some things in life change and fell out of the practice.  So I am working on getting back to it.  It really helps to have your food and snacks set up as much as you can so you don’t make poor choices and say hit that drive thru because you are “starving”.  So what I have been doing is working on making a lunch to eat on during the week.  Cooking up some protein in the form of meat and then adding some veggies and a variety of types of rice/grain options.  Last week I got inspired and did some black rice, quinoa, blue berries, dried cranberries, cashews, almonds, spinach, celery, and hormone free chicken marinated in a pumpkin and apple spice dressing.  I loved it with one exception, the celery proved to be too much and did not taste good with the rest.  Like I said if I can get the pictures to download I will post it.

This week I did fish (to be honest I can’t remember the name of the kind it is, I will have to look it up since I tossed the package).  I decided to take a break from the black rice for a bit and had brown rice.  I added that to my leftover quinoa, some butter nut squash, green peppers, chia seeds, some left over home made baja sauce, and onions.  The fish is yummy so hopefully the rest will be, especially since I will be eating on it all week.

Here are the pictures, I hope:

I also already cut up some celery and carrots, have a bit of hummus left, and just got some Greek God’s Plain Greek yogurt (I prefer the full fat or at least 2% I find I fill full with less if I do it that way).

One last bit, I have done some research on doing a pull up and have at the moment been working on increasing how much weight I am lifting and doing some lat pulls as well as my usual arms.  My workout this weekend was kind of week cardio wise because of my knees causing a problem, but I will be back up and running soon again.  I should also be getting my foodie pen pal stuff this week so I will be posting it here.  I’m going to work on doing more prep by planning stuff out during the week so I have a plan this next weekend.  Okay enough rambling, more later I hope.  Have a great week!

Weekend workout the search for the pull up begins

The workouts I do on the weekend tend to be a bit better than during the week.  During the week I work a schedule that has me getting off work in the evenings often.  So today’s workout was running for 30 minutes on the treadmill and weights.  I used to love doing weights in high school, but have fallen in love with cardio workouts as an adult so it’s been hard to incorporate resistance training.  However as my friend Tracy points out to me (often) you burn more fat with muscle and muscle is important for strong bones, so I have added it.  
I have this goal though, well one of them, and that is I would love to do a pull up.  Not an easy task for a female.  At my gym they have pretty basic equipment really.  It’s not crowded by any means though and even though it has a funky smell in the bathrooms and the men wear waayyyy to much cologne I like it.  Back to the equipment issue, it was suggested to me I use a pull up assisted machine. Something that I can use to lift my own body weight a bit at a time.  We don’t have one.  There is a contraption to do dips and pull ups, so I sucked it up and braved it today to give it a try.  Seconds after hanging I fell, gracefully to the ground, not a shock by any means.  But with the dip I was able to get up, stabilize and do a slight dip.  It was such a tiny little dip down I am not sure anyone else could see it, lol!  I am going to keep working on my arms and upper body so that I can do it, one day.

Okay on to the article or other blog that I saw today that I wanted to share.  It’s affirmation of things I have been told about weight loss and “body sculpting”.  Yes you can add muscle and make some changes, that is obvious, but a lot of the things out there that say fat burning and ab blasting are misleading.  I have over my adult life lost 100lbs now.  The last 75 of it being in the last few years and I would LOVE to have a way to get rid of my stomach so it is nice and flat and the wings that are left on my arms.  But there is not a quick fix that is long lasting.  It took years to abuse my body and it is taking years to get it where I want it or as close as I can.  You may hate hearing it, but the only real way to fat loss is diet and exercise.  Anyway, here is a link to the blog article.  I really liked it and like I said it was an affirmation.  Tomorrow I will post my week prep/meal that I will eat off of for my lunches.  I am still trying to decide what it will be, I will probably add some of the lentils I made last week and still have in the fridge.  I am so so about lentils so far, but hate to waste them especially knowing they are good for me.  :-/


Starting again

Okay so I decided to start again with this blog thing.  Who knows if I will keep it up or how well I will do with it.  You might wonder about the name of my blog, but if you know me and saw any pictures you wouldn’t.  I am about a year or so in this new body I guess you would say and am really just now getting more comfortable with it.  I still see things I want different, but am working to accept that just might not happen and on being okay with that.  In the last year I have been working with a great group of ladies, who are RD’s or fitness gurus, that have been teaching me a lot about not just being skinny, but healthy.  I must say it’s been awesome and I love learning and adding to my pallet.  

Alright to get to the nitty gritty of today’s post I have started following a lady named Lindsay who has a blog called the Lean Green Bean.  From that blog I have gotten some good ideas and recipes to try.  I decided to join Foodie Penpals a penpal program she set up and I just mailed my package off today.  The person sending to me is in Texas and is sending me some hot stuff.  I love eating stuff that makes my nose hairs curl and snot drip! 🙂 

So I am going to give this blogging a whirl and who knows maybe someone will actually read it on occasion.  Maybe I will start posting some of my weekday lunch creations, workouts, and other goofy stuff.  As for tonight I will leave you with a link if you want to check out Lindsay and the penpal group.  I am thinking about doing the challenge the next time she does one.  I just hate to commit to it and not be able to do it.  We will see, maybe in the future.  In fact if I get brave I may even share a link to my blog with my friends and family. LOL!

The Lean Green Bean

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